The Letters That Will Never B Read

daddy
(11-3-66)-(08-16-09)
these r things ive written 2 u since u went away, i know u will never get a chance 2 read them but i suppose sum how its helped me cope. coming up on ur 2 year very unbirthday i cant help but feel like its all happening all over again, i remember the moment i got the phone call that u were gone, the pain, the numbness, the anger, confusion, and the refusal 2 ever believe it. i think about u everyday and i break down about once a month, heres everything ive had 2 say:


2 years ago: Hi daddy, i just wanted 2 stop by and tell u how much i miss u, i wish i could hear ur voice, theres so much 2 say and so many ?z i want answered. but just know u r my every thought and i love u so much, my daddy, my best friend!


Daddy neners learned how 2 get down the stairs yesterday and 2day hes flying down them the way the girls did thatd make u laugh so hard, i cant believe ur missing out on him, everytime i look @ that lil boy i c how much u loved him, his lil face exspressions r so u. i just wish u were here 2 c him changing i know ud get a kick out of how big hes gotten since the last time u saw him, i love u daddy, we ALL love u and miss u 


Hi daddy i cant stop thinking about u today, i watched DH its weird without u, although i can hear all ur smart ass comments in my head of what ud say, i miss u so much daddy, lifes never gonna feel normal is it? i love u so much


EVERYTIME I COME 2 UR PAGE I CRY, CUZ I KNOW THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN LET SOME THINGS OFF MY MIND......EMMAS MESSIN UP UR ROOM SHES BEEN HIDING GROSE STUFF IN UR VENT, I WAS WONDERING Y EVERYTIME THE AIR OR HEATER WAS ON IT STUNK, SISSYS TALKING ALOT MORE SHE ASKED ABOUT U YESTERDAY, SHE MISSES HER BAGA, GOD KNOWS I MISS U 2 DADDY. NATES BDAY IS IN A WEEK, U SHOULD B CELEBRATING THIS WITH US, U SHOULD B HERE WITH ME, U SHOULD B HOME!!!  HES SO FUNNY I KNOW U'D GET A KICK OUT OF THE WAY HE IS, I CAN HERE U TELLING ME "HES GONNA B TROUBLE CHUCHI, JUST WAIT". HE GOT HIS FIRST TOOTH 2DAY. GOD DADDY IT KILLS ME 2 KNOW UR MISSING OUT ON THEM, AFTER U WHERE HERE 4 SO MUCH. THE CLOSER IT GETS 2 NENERS BDAY THE MORE I THINK ABOUT HOW U WERE HERE LAST YEAR 2 TAKE CARE OF THE GIRLS SO ME AND BRY COULD GO 2 THE HOSPITAL, MAYBE I DIDNT TELL U ENUF BUT I APPRECIATED UR COMPANY SOOO MUCH DADDY, I MISS U, GOODNITE DADDY I LOVE U


Daddy, its gonna b 2mths since u went away, i feel like ur fading, ur laugh seems so low, @ times i feel like im never gonna remember the sound of ur voice, the way u look and the way u used 2 act, im so lost without u  daddy i miss u so much that my heart aches. i love u daddy please dont fade away


hi daddy, i miss u. in 30 mins is neners bday, im having a hard time excepting the fact that u will never c him again, god daddy he loved u so much. when we were decorating 4 the morning, i started cryin and thinking how u where here last year 2 go thru this with us, u where the 1st 2 hold him 4rm r family! i think about u constanlty and i wonder what ur thinking of nate and the girls. i need u by my side daddy and i dont think i will ever believe that, that wont happen. im sad im really sad, i just want my daddy 2 come home. i wish u could b here 2marrow 4 nates bday, with all the love i have in my heart daddy i miss u and love u so much

11*3*10 HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2 U,
U BELONG IN THE ZOO,
UUUU LOOK LIKE A MOOONNKEY AAAANNNDD U SMELL LIKE 1 2,
(WELL I SAY)
I MISS U DADDY I WISH I COULD HAVE CALLED U TODAY AND HEARD UR VOICE, I DID BREAK DOWN AS IM SURE ALL OF US DID, I KEEP REMEMBERING HOW U WERE WITH US LAST YEAR FOR UR BDAY AND HOW HAPPY U WERE WITH UR CAKE AND PRESENTS...I LOVE U DADDY AND I MISS U SO MUCH

 miss u daddy, i just wanna hear ur voice or get a big ol hug 4rm u..lifes just not the same without u in it daddy, i dont think life will ever feel ok again

 

January 27, 2010 at 11:55pm ·

Hi Daddy, I Just Needed A Place 2 Write U. I Miss u More Than U Could Know. the girls call the north star ur star and 2nite when they saw it they said look mama bagas star. then they said we miss u baga and we love u. u had such an impact on their lives daddy, my only wish is that neners could remember how much u adored him from the time he was in my stomach. i miss u so much daddy, theres such a void in my life that hurts so bad, i wish u could b home with me again. i love u.
your chubba lubba

January 30, 2010 at 7:21

i just wanted 2 stop by and say i thought about u all day 2day. i miss u, and i hope ur around watching the kids seeing all the crap u taught them 2 do...thanx daddy

February 2, 2010 at 1:53pm

hi daddy, jen was telling me a story bout "monter" and all i could think about was how ud get a kick out of it, lifes alot less fun without u daddy. i miss u, i miss ur laugh and just ur presence. the other day nate saw a pic of u and said "baga" he knows who u r, i hope u visit him alot, we still need u, all of us do. i love u daddy

February 4, 2010 at 12:01am

i was listening to this song and it made me wanna ty, although its speaking about his homie, i understnad his words, my daddy u were my best friend. i love u and i will keep u alive

February 10, 2010 at 8:25pm

Happy Valentines Day Daddy, had i only known this was the last 1 i was gonna spend with u, id have made it the best ever! this picture makes me cry, cuz u should b here! i miss u daddy and god this hurts. i love u daddy

 

February 14, 2010 at 9:06pm

Hi Daddy Happy Valentines Day. I Missed U So Much 2day. Me And Bry Went 2 dinner alone and he said ur dad should b there across from us, he said how ud b talking shit about everything...lol it made me cry, i didnt mean 2 and i know ud call me a sissy but the thought that u SHOULD b here with me kills me everytime! i miss u everyday, every second and the holidays it just hurts, it hurts so bad daddy. i miss u more than anything else in the world. im glad i have here 2 talk to u. xoxo daddy

February 15, 2010 at 10:01am

Me And The Kids Got Valentines Balloons and wrote on um, we said that we loved u and missed u so much daddy, and we went outside and sent them to u. the kids were yelling we love u baga happy holidays...HAHA i bet if u were watching u got a kick out of it...i love u daddy

May 19, 2010 at 11:54pm
July 23, 2010 at 7:34pm
I wish heaven had
a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but
that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before
that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I
have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms...I will always have
you in my heart.. ♥ u daddy and i miss u so much


July 29, 2010 at 10:14pm
i keep hearing this song and thinking of the dance u made 2 go along with it...♥ i miss u daddy, u were so many ppls sunshine on their cloudy day.... :/






August 14, 2010 at 1:38pm
its weird how some days i can convince myself everythings ok and ur not gone, but with this 1 year coming up, i feel like the tears r never gonna stop, it feels like were losing u all over again. how could a year have passed without ur laughter, ur smart ass ways, ur presence? i dont get it daddy how could u b gone, will this ever get bareable? will this void ever b filled?..... the day i lost u, i lost a huge part of myself....i miss u so much daddy, were all having a hard time this weekend....shoulda wouldve couldve daddy....


August 16, 2010 at 1:17am
the second the kids c the moon they say "look mama bagas moon" the second they c the stars "look mama bagas stars", when they walk outside they point @ the sky and say "look mamas thats bagas home", they think of u as much as i do...we love u daddy and u r dearly missed


September 3, 2010 at 11:40pm
i missed u more 2day them usual, i just wish i had my daddy 2 talk 2...i truly feel alone in the world without u...♥


September 24, 2010 at 11:56pm
i miss u daddy ♥ :(


October 21, 2010 at 12:02am
hi daddy, i missed hearing ur voice 2day, everytime sum1 sang me happy birthday i wanted 2 cry, i'll never 4get the way u sang it, i will carry that on 4ever, sumtimes it seems easy 2 pretend u being gone doesnt effect me but in reality everyday is a struggle 2 act ok, 2 allow life 2 go on without u. nothing feels rite anymore, i suppose cuz ur the missing link in it all. its 12:00am its not my birthday anymore i guess i cant cry if i want 2 ♥ u daddy, u will 4ever b missed but NEVER 4 gotten


November 2, 2010 at 1:27am
thinking about u :(


November 3, 2010 at 12:10am
Happy birthday daddy! I wish u were here. I miss u so much, and I know 2days gonna b a hard day 2 get thru, I ♥ u daddy and I know wherever u r ur running around sayyin "its my birthday" :)


November 3, 2010 at 8:38am
heres ur fav song ever! i will never 4get how u would HAVE 2 play this 4 every1 on there bdays, i miss u daddy. ♥ smooches ;(

Madagascar Happy Birthday

gdata.youtube.com

November 29, 2010 at 9:56pm
hi daddy, i miss u, im gettin 2 the point of my monthly breakdown, sumtimes i can pretend well enough 2 feel like i can make it thru ok without u but other times life just seems so hard 2 go on, sumtimes i just need my daddy and its not fair ur not here! every1 is coming 2 meet juju and it feels so void cuz the 1 person i wanna c holding her will never even meet her. i wish i could turn bak time and keep u in new mexico with me, maybe ud still b here, maybe life would feel ok again, shouldve wouldve coulve daddy ;(


December 24, 2010 at 11:19pm
Merry christmas daddy, 2 day is the 2nd christmas that i didnt have u here, all in all im so happy i have all those funny memories of ur last christmas, im so glad i got that time with u daddy....i miss u, i wish we could spend time 2gether like we did b4...lifes just not the same, and it makes me sad..i just want my daddy!


December 31, 2010 at 10:51pm
daddy, i hate 2 c another year go cuz it means another year without u. i miss u and i know it will never get any ez-er i think of u always and i miss u everyday....cheers daddy im drinkin 1 4 u ♥


January 1 at 10:59pm
U were a wise man as much as u were a wise ass...ur sayyings and lessons u taught will live on thru us. I miss u daddy ;( u truly are 1 of a kind...always missed but never 4gotten


February 18 at 4:59pm
hey daddy, i miss u so much, i wish i could just hear ur voice, come visit my dreams soon :( ♥


February 25 at 2:23pm
I miss u daddy, I find myself thinking about u all the time, its not fair uve missed out so much on all the new babies. I'm sad u'll never know juju =(
 o ya and nate is exactly like u used 2 say hed b, himss baad! i bet u get a kick out of him, i think u instigate alot of the crap he does! i miss u so much its so hard 2 think u will never b here again and the fact that i'll never hear ur laugh again, i hate that it feels like ur fading away, plz dont go daddy, we still need u =(


March 5 at 1:21am
Thanx 4 sending poke 2 me, he reminds me so much of u ♥ I miss u daddy


March 16 at 11:06pm
hi daddy ♥ its sad 2 say but 4 awhile there i started 2 forget ur laugh :( and trust me it kills me 2 think parts of u r fading away, but 2day b-rewnie said sumthing funny 2 poke and we all started laughing and poke laughed exactly like u :'( i stopped laughing and looked @ him and kinda wanted 2 cry, he reminds me alot of u and im so glad u raised him, feels like i got a piece of u bak and ur home again....i love u daddy


April 3 at 2:05am
sumtimes i miss u soo much my ♥ hurts :(


April 6 at 11:46pm
sumtimes i just need my daddy ♥


April 8 at 7:37pm
i hope g-pa gave u the big swift kick in the ass u deserved 4 leaving us soo soon, i miss u daddy but now u got g-pa,randy, leelee and joey 2 keep u company ♥


May 20 at 11:02pm
sumtimes it feels like im not gonna be able 2 breathe anymore, the pain just consumes me. i HATE that the 2 year mark is coming, cuz that means its been 2 years since i saw u, 2 years since we talked, and 2 years since i just had my daddy rite down the hall....i miss u more then words could ever explain. lifes supposed 2 go on rite?! y does it feel like it cant or wont, 2 years has gone by and i still feel the pain i felt the day i found out u left :( lifes not fair


June 2 at 11:18pm
my hard time is coming, the time when it feels like the world is gonna crush me, the time when it feels like my sadness wont end, the time when i need a moment 2 just cry cuz my heart hurts from missing u so much ♥ i feel this everyday sum more than others...... i just need YOU


June 18 at 3:00pm
For Father's Day: Copy and paste this if your DAD is in heaven. If roses grow in heaven Lord, then pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Dad's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love and miss him, and when he turns to smile, place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for awhile... ♥ I love you and miss you!
R.I.P Edward Pope Gonzales daddy...4ever missed but NEVER 4gotten ♥


June 19 at 11:02am
Happy fathers day daddy, although I can't tell u how much I appreciate u, just know there's a huge void 2day were ur supposed 2 b. I miss u everyday but 2day is a harder day 2 not have u in it... I love u daddy ♥ xoxoxoxo


June 23 at 9:57pm
sumtimes i just wanna punch u in the face, its not fair u get 2 "just b" when we still have 2 deal with the BS of the world....i need u more times then often, i feel lonely, parentless, it makes me feel like a lil girl just reaching up 4 her daddys hand 2 protect her, and not finding 1. i dont understand things, u were supposed 2 b here 2 teach me. and what about jane?! she needs protecting 2, i wanna throw a fit and break shit and just keep screaming "ITS NOT FAIR" y did my daddy have 2 go?


‎2days 6 mths since that awful awful day daddy, i cant believe its been this long! it still feels like it was yesterday, i know the pain hasnt less'nd @ all. still hurts like i was told 2day, i miss u every moment of every day. we love u baga
February 16, 2010 at 5:20pm everytime i hear this song i picture u singing it, sitting @ urs and mamas table infront of ur computer with kayla on ur lap, the lyrics 2 this song fit u so perfectly, im glad ur not in pain anymore daddy, but u not in pain means all of us r. not a day goes by without me thinking of u, the pain doesnt get easier and the void is always there. i miss u daddy, with all my heart, we all miss u, the girls always ask about u and nate knows who u r, i hope u never fade, let me rephrase that i will NEVER let u fade..we love uhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=Fo0zu1VNZaA


May 17, 2010 at 11:12pm
  people tell me that its time 4 me 2 move on, its time 2 get over it, ya sure it sounds easy, but my heart just wont let it go. i feel empty, i feel lost, u knew me, u got me, and now that ur gone it feels like i dont know who i am anymore, u always kept me on track, u where always there 2 just bullshit when the rest of the family seemed 2 have lost it themselves. i think about u everyday, but ur v...oice is fading and ur laughter is fading 2, im scared that 1 day im gonna wake up and not remember the way u where. im scared about alot rite now daddy, and u where always my safe place, and now its gone! i just want my bestfriend bak daddy, i just want 2 feel safe again, i just want to feel ok.....i just want u daddy, i love u so much ;::(

me and jane were texting bak and forth and she reminded me of 1 of ur sayyings,"whats the only reason u cry"...."when u feel the pain is never gonna stop" when i read it i cried, because it does feel like the pain is never gonna end, she misses u 2 daddy she feels guilty 4 fighting with u so much, she doesnt need more stuff 2 feel bad about, shes already gotta deal with that crazy mother of hers...i wish u were here 2 fix it all daddy, u always knew what 2 say and how 2 help..we need u now


June 15, 2010 at 6:41pm
Hi daddy, I wish I could have talked 2 u 2day, this is the 1st kid I didnt get 2 tell u what im having...im sure u knew it was a girl, but it breaks my heart that I cant just pick up the phone and call u, espeacially when I need 2 just hear ur voice. I miss u daddy and I love u so much. Life just doesnt seem worth it sumtimes without u.....


June 20, 2010 at 8:22pm
Happy fathers day 2day was just not the same without a daddy 2 celebrate...i missed u so much 2day


June 30, 2010 at 11:32pm
i heard this and it made me cry, everytime the kids c the north star its their bagas star, the moon is ur moon, certain smells remind me ur still here...i miss u so much it hurts

"Do not stand at my grave and weep;I am not there. I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow.I am the diamond glints on snow.I am the sunlight on ripened grain.I am the gentle autumn rain.When you awaken in the morning's hush;I am the swift uplifting rush.Of quiet birds in circled flight.I am the soft stars that shine at night.Do not stand at my grave and cry;I am not there. I did not die".

             July 15, 2010 at 12:16pm
God saw u getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around u and whispered "come with me" With tearful eyes i watched u, and saw u pass away. Although i loved u dearly, i could not make u stay. A goldenheart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best...


August 13 2011
ok so howd i get thru july without a breakdown? y cant i just pretend ur very unbirthday isnt a cpl days away, y cant i just feel ok rite now, y cant i just have my daddy?! y is it that u havent met julia or seen what the nener became, or c how big kayla is or how grown up emma is. she told me she missed u the other day and i wanted 2 hold her and cry, but i know she doesnt understand death yet, and god forbid she ever has 2 feel it. y does all the excitement of my new house go away when i can never invision u walking thru those doors? y cant i share in my happiness? y cant my happiness b enough 2 make the pain go away? has it really been 2 years since i saw u smile? since i heard ur laugh or felt ur hug, is it wierd that i just wanna mell u? y did u have 2 fukk it all up and go away, didnt u ever think about us, it makes me so mad @ u that ud think we'd all b ok!! were not! yes life ...went on but the pain still hasnt gone away! i can go so long pretending im ok, and then something reminds me that u'll never b apart of all of this and reality sets in. life isnt fair, i get that but who knew life could b THIS unfair?! i miss ur stupid jerk face daddy ♥ and i will always b broken without u

February 21, 2010 at 1:54pm
Hi Daddy, I Miss u Always, I Miss Ur Voice And Ur Smart Ass Ways. 2day when bryan was leaving 4 new mexico again, the girls grabbed onto his legs and he was dragging them as he was walking, they never want him 2 go. when i saw that i remember doing that with u when u used to travel alot, all in all i was a daddys girl, i never wanted u 2 leave me, i always wanted to b by ur side. im glad i got the last year of ur life, im happy i had that time with u! that nite b4 u left i wanted to grab ur leg and beg u not to go, like i was a kid again. i never wanted u 2 leave us...leave me. i love u daddy


March 17, 2010 at 9:57pm
Hi daddy, i miss u so much..i dreamt of u last nite, the girls got 2 c u, kayla was beside herself 2 b with her BAGA again, u and her had a bond shes never had with ne1 else, u knew she was my bad girl but u loved her 4 it...LOL i miss u, we alll miss u. i love u so much daddy and i hope ur around watching the kids


March 20, 2010 at 1:33am
Hi daddy, i found out im prego, but i think u already knew that ;) i know ud b mad and so scared 4 me, but i promise daddy i will b ok. i left 2 go do some stuff 2day and the second i got into the car ur song started playin, i broke down, it just doesnt feel rite 4 u not 2 know that im living in az now, that nate just got his 1st but not last concusion, that ur baby is having another baby, nothing feels rite because i cant share it all with u. i miss u every second of everyday daddy...the only thing helping me rite now it the fact that ur holding this baby till its time 4 HIM 2 come into the world. i hope he looks like u, i miss ur face so much...i love u daddy


April 27, 2010 at 5:08pm

u know daddy sometimes i feel like being able 2 come here and write u is my sanity, normal ppl have graves 2 go 2 and sit and talk 2 them, i know ur not there but itd still b nice 2 know where u r. stupid things make me cry about u all the time, i broke down on mothers day, i just need u sometimes, life just feels like its never gonna go on without u... i watched a show 2day this women lost her m...other, she reminded me of me rite now, she had jumped into a pool and almost let herself drown but her hubby pulled her out and when they asked her y, she said "i just wanted 2 feel something again", i can relate, im just soooo angry, and sad and soooo hurt without u and ot feels like the world keeps spinning and going on but im still in ur room smelling ur clothes breaking down on ur bed, i want 2 feel ok again, i want 2 feel "normal" but i just cant get passed u not being apart of it.

August 15 2011
2marrow 2 years ago i lost a huge part of myself. how ive gotten this far is a mystery 2 me, because all ive wanted 2 do since then is just curl up in a ball and fade away with u. b-rewnie and the kids have been my light in all this darkness. u used 2 tell us girls that in the end all we will have left after u ad mama go away will b eachother, boy were u wrong daddy. i cant remember the last time i had a conversation with amy. the last time i felt like me and punky REALLY got along, or the last time i felt jen wasnt the enemy. what happened from 2 years ago 2 now........YOU. i suppose we all dealt with the grief differently. sum drink it away, some pretend it didnt happen, some break down in private and i stand alone with jane. we talk about u, even when it hurts so bad it feels like were never gonna be able 2 feel ok again. in the end of it all jane is all ive got left. i miss u, and then im so angry with u, i feel like HOW DARE u have left us, we still needed u, a girl always needs her daddy. it feel like whos gonna protect us now? whos gonna give us the words of wisdom we dont wanna hear but take into consideration.... y did u do this? every1 says ur <3 just stopped, i dont believe it, i know u took 2 many pills which ultimately made ur heart stop. i will never 4get the dream when u told me u od'd. 4 a long time i was angry with god 4 taking u, when in reality you chose 2 leave us. i dont think i will ever understand the y of it. i cant believe u will never know kiedis, gabe and juju. u will never get 2 see any of  them grow up...after we lost u, we lost grandpa 2, but i dont think anything will ever hurt as bad as losing u, its like im numb 2 death now. 2marrows gonna b a busy day 4 me but dont 4 1 sec think u werent on my mind. i love u daddy, i miss u, come visit my dreams soon