Sunday, March 17, 2013

this person in the mirror

Kinda feel like I've become this unknown person, life is changing and things are going great in our lives but its like I'm standing still in this fast fwd movie. I want to stop it, enjoy the blessings i have, enjoy the kids because God knows they r getting huge even though i want them to stay small. I suppose every mother goes thru the "feeling like i don't do enough for them" "is my actions going to screw them up?" I keep trying to convince myself they will like me when they're older, I'm great with older kids. rite now i feel like a drill sergeant, always ordering them around and i feel like im always yelling. at the end of the day im upset that maybe i didnt hug um enough, did i remember to tell them i loved them today. did i show them that i loved them today?

i looked at my emily yesterday, a couple months from being 8! how the hell'd we get here, howd that lil tiny person that changed my life, get so grown up. she asked me if she could sit in the front with me yesterday, i looked over at her singing and smiling at me and i saw it, this perfect lil girl is growing up and i'm missing it. its like im here but im not. i WANT so badly to do more, to b more for them. this is where i try to convince myself that they will like me more when they r older, theyll understand y i was so hard on them...or they'll hate me for being the way i am. my constant fear is that 1 day they r going to be screwed up because of me.

i pay attention to kayla and realize shes so much like her mother, everything has to be perfect or 
its all messed up, shes my huge helper, she feels loved my being able to help me. shes very stand offish when it comes to affection, and i feel like its because ive never been like that with them, maybe i didnt know what the hell i was doing when i had 2 kids by the age of 20.

when i look at nathan it breaks my heart that he was just 3 and i didnt realize he was still a baby! and now that hes 4 i regret so much, why cant i just b the loving sweet, cuddle bug mother he needs. i do grab him and kiss him and try to hug him when i notice he looking for mommys attention. but is it enough? am i doing enough?

my julia, maybe i should have waited to have kids when i was older, because i adore this child and you can tell! shes always in my arms and i pay way more attention to her then anyone else because she is still little..why cant i be like that with all of them?

im the over paranoid mother who would rather them stay home schooled so that i know what they are learning, so they can be close to their siblings, so i know no one is picking on them or hurting their feelings. i know i cant protect them from everything but i want to protect them from the things i can....but i feel like im always yelling at them to clean up after themselves because i want them to know thats just how it should be. i keep them on a strict routine because it makes my life easier because i know when my day will end and i can get a break. im the type of person who lately hates anyone knowing anything about my life so i keep them away from everyone. will my own personal issues effect the adults they will become? i want to be this amazing mother and its so hard for me to show affection and i dont know why and it makes me mad at myself! But what is a great mother? because i had a mother who had a lot going on in her life that i had to grow up way to fast, i had a little sister that became my responsibility at 12, i have lots of regrets that jane had to see, i feel like i have a big part of her being lost now. although i was only 12-17 and now im 26 i still feel like i can screw all of this up. i know i just worry to much but i swear i have good intentions. maybe they will see that side of it. 

i feel like so much is going on in my head, im missing my dad like crazy rite now. just a couple weeks ago i was feeling like i had  finally gotten to the OK place, but yesterday i went on myspace and saw our conversations i hadnt seen in years, and i saw his pictures and it hit me hard. how is it that all of this time ive accepted his death, ive forced myself to b OK with it. like lately its been so wierd to think of him alive because its easier to remember the fact that hes gone then to remember that he lived. remembering the part about him once being alive is the part that hurts, thats the part i hide deep down inside. maybe this is y im feeling like im in a huge funk rite now.

in the last month ive pushed anybody who meant anything to me out of my life because i want bryan and the kids to b it, they need my attention, they need me more then everyone else's crap. im just tired of feeling like im the run to person if theirs gossip, i dont care to hear it and i hate thats the only reason that someone would call me, or im the person for people to call when they need something, it felt like in a world of a bunch of people i was alone until they needed something. Now though its like ive got so much jumbled in my head and i cant seem to vent. so here i am writing it all down. 

constant thoughts:
missing daddy,
missing my mom,
i miss my sisters,
real friends,
ugh all this annoyance,
so in love with my husband,
i have amazing kids,
im forgotten,
growing up sucks!

even though i feel all these crappy things i wouldnt trade my life with anyone else in the world. i constantly gets compliments on how wonderful my kids r, and what an amazing husband bryan is. and i know its all true, i need to fix me so i can b the best wife and mom that people see.

theres a song that has become my favorite lately and apart of its lyrics say:
You see the smile that's on my mouth  
 It's hiding the words that don't come out
 All of the friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know I'm in this mess
No they don't know who I really am 

 And they don't know what I've been through
All of these lines across my face 

 Tell you the story of who I am
  So many stories of where I've been 
 And how I got to where I am

i feel like its so true, no one knows the REAL me, the person behind the smile that is torn apart inside, trying to find the pieces to put it all back together because some where down the road i lost me, and the tape i once used to keep it all together has worn out.