Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My nathan

2day I took a nap with nener in my bed, I've got my sister here with her 3 kids so every where else including his room was occupied. When I layed down with him he kinda smirked @ me, him being #3 has started 2 have his effect on him, he see's that mama spends a lot of time with emily (school stuff) and juju gets a lot of my time 2 cuz she's the baby. But kayla and nener kinda just get the shitty end of it all. Not on purpose but trust me I feel bad that I can't spend as much 1 on 1 with them.. I really do get emotional about this subject but I try 2 do what I can when I can with them 2.

Anyways bak 2 my story, when I layed down with nener I kinda cuddled with him and threw my other pillow over my head (like I always do) and I saw him do the same, I smiled and told him I loved him and he said I wuv u 2 mommie....

my big boy, how'd he get so darn huge? I think after writing about the year we had with my dad yesterday, it made me emotional 2 sit there and look @ my dads baby boy all grown up. I wonder what my dad would think of him now?

I started 2 fall asleep when he grabbed my hand and held it, I realized his hand is still so tiny, he IS still a teeny baby. Y don't I c that all the time? I layed there holding his hand and feeling like the worst mother in the world. He needs me 2! I'm not sayyin I neglect him and kayla but they don't get the attn they deserve, 4rm me or daddy . But with bryans hours lately I don't even get the attn I deserve!  How am I supposed 2 make up 4 the lack of daddy 2?

I fell asleep and my phone went off, I turned it off and looked over @ him sleeping, he still had the pillow over his face like me and was still holding my hand. I think in that moment the heartache of my dad missing everything about him all came bak....

My baby boy, 
how can I show u all the love I feel in my heart 4 u?, how can I give u all the love u need, when mama feels the lack of love (by my family) in her life?  I wanna change, I promise. I just don't know how, besides 2 b here 4 u when u get an owie, and rub ur head when ur sisters r being mean. Give u kisses when ur being funny and make sure ur always safe, fed and well rested? I know 1 day u will either understand or resent me 4 it, but just believe there was never a moment u and ur sisters weren't my 1st concern sweet boy.

Monday, September 26, 2011


This year kinda makes me sick 2 my stomach, by the end of it u will understand.

The begining started great, we spent new years with my 3 babies, my hubby and my dad. we went 2 the Route 66 casino resort in New Mexico and had a blast
that was grandpas sippy keg haha
Kayla also turned 2 in January
February we celebrated Valentines Day, we all went out 2 dinner, and i bought every1 their v-day gifts, it was alot of fun.
March and April my dad was in and out of the hospital, i almost lost him 2 times in those months. me and him had discussed what he wanted and what kind of music 2 play 4 his funeral, well actully he told me 2 cremate him and throw him in the desert or down the toilet 4 all he cared, he didnt want ppl 2 pretend they cared, when they didnt show it when he was here. my dad would call kayla everyday and sing "im so lonesome, i could cry" 2 her, 2 her it made her giggle and sway bak and forth, 2 me it broke my heart cuz he really was lonely without them
when i was going 2 the hospital 2 pick him up and bring him home becuz the dox said he was ok, he just needed 2 b on an oxygen machine. he hated the idea of that being it, but he knew how 2 pretend well.
In April we celebrated Easter
In May my dad was gonna go spend some time in cali, so he made sure we got some pix of him and the kids right b4 he left.

In june/july after my dad had left, everything went downhill. the IRS put a levy on r wages, my hubby didnt pay his taxes prior 2 us getting married and claimed exempt just so we can make it, we never thought it would come bak and get us, we only did it 4 a lil while in the begining of r marriage. we were ONLY allowed $129 a check which equaled $520 a month. as some of u know $520 a month wasnt going 2 pay r rent, and r cars. we lost r pt cruiser, r tahoe and my dad told us 2 sell his bike. everything was unraveling b4 r eyes, everything we worked so hard 2 get in the last 2 years was all being taken from us. if it wasnt 4 payday loans and welfare we would have never been able 2 keep r house. and if it wasnt 4 my friend/neighbor Fawn, we would have went without electricity, and water. not 2 mention with everything we were losing me and my husband couldnt seem 2 get along, of course all the stress of it all was making us crash 2. i couldnt do it anymore, i didnt feel mentally strong enough 2 go thru anymore crap, i was done, id been thru way 2 much in r 4 years of marriage.

In August some1 i had considered such a good friend, told my husband sumthing that wasnt true, but he believed it and @ that moment i really believed THIS was it, we had been thru so much and lies were gonna b the end of us. i called my dad crying and he told me "u better make it better because you'd b stupid 2 lose that man chubba". i remeber bryan leaving after arguing with me and thats when i called my dad but then he came bak and he told me "regardless of what happened his heart belonged 2 me, and there wouldnt b anything that could ever break us up."  i hated that he said "regardless" which ultimately made it feel like he didnt believe me, but who could blame him right, we were going thru so much crap already.

August 16 2009
2 days later me and bry were so in love again we were determined 2 make it work, because honestly we'd come so far and been thru so much, what would we b teaching r kids if we walked away? we turned off r phones and said we'd stay away from every1 if just 4 that weekend we were gonna make it about us. well i went 2 our room 2 check my "myspace" and i had like 5 messages of every1 telling me 2 call jens house, i figured it was an emergengy so i grabbed my phone and i called, i could hear it in her voice that something was wrong, and she said " daddys dead"  and i told her "wait?! what?! and she said "he went 2 bed last nite and didnt wake up 2day" i remember walking downstairs in a daze with her still talking 2 me and i opened the bak door and fell 2 the floor screaming 2 bryan "hes dead, hes dead" and bryan came and held me and grabbed the phone 4rm me 2 find out what happened. all i remember was crying and all the pain and heart ache i felt. i walked into his room and sat on his bed and grabbed 1 of his dirty clothes that still smelt like him, and cried. i didnt wanna believe it, there was no way god could have taken MY daddy. i know he was in pain, i know he wasnt happy without my mom, i knew he came 2 the end of his line with the pain and the suffering and he felt like we were all gonna b ok, but it still wasnt fair, it still wasnt rite! there wasnt a way i cold go on, i didnt wanna live anymore, if he couldnt b apat of my life i just couldnt do it. thank god 4 bryan becuz i wouldnt have gotten thru it. i dont remember how the kids got taken care of, i dont remember anything but that black whole i was in. id cry myself 2 sleep and every single time i saw nener id break that much worse, he was daddys baby. and kayla would listen 2 there song and even till this day i cant handle listening 2 it becuz i know she misses him 2, the only person who ever just adored her like that. and when emma would ask if ba-ga was coming home, id turn away. i dont know how i made it past that time, i closed every1 out, because it felt like no1 could understand the pain..

We all went out 2 Cali 2 decide what 2 do with the body, i refused 2 c him like that, he wanted 2 b cremated and i was gonna fight that till the end. his family was making it so hard for us 2 do anything, they didnt want him cremated, they wanted an open casket, they were so mad @ us that we did it. but because he wasnt married we were his next of kin. we all had such an awful time trying 2 do anything. we were all so in shock.

August 24 2009 we said good-bye 2 r daddy
that was the hardest and worst thing ive ever had 2 do in my life, how do u say goodbye 2 sum1 u dont wanna say good-bye 2? how is it that life is just supposed 2 go on without him? regardless of how i felt and how broken i was i had 2 continue 2 live for my babies, they needed me the most....rite?!
Shortly after Emma turned  4

and nathan turned 1
celebrating anything made me feel like i wasnt mourning my dad. i put on a happy face but i was broken, i was so horribly sad. the thought of having my dads room right down the hall 4rm me that he'd never b in again, that he was never coming home again, that tore me apart, i had 2 get outta that house!
So Bryan moved us bak 2 AZ and we had 2 start all over again, his job wasnt 2 happy about him moving bak down 2 AZ so they made him travel bak 2 New Mexico, i seriously lived without my husband 4 a year and a half, we only saw him on the weekend on 4 him 2 leave again on sunday. i feel like i dealt with the worse year of my life alone

November my sisters (except punky) and mom came out 2 spend thanksgiving with us in AZ
    New Years  
This year was ALOT of trials and tribulations, but in the end we were still 2gether and stronger then ever now. during this year we loved, we lost and we loved again. we celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and r babies getting so big, and the worst thing ever was losing my daddy but i lived......well kinda


Our fourthyear as a family, this was the year of many many changes. 
My husband got a job offer for us 2 move 2 New Mexico for a year, then we'd move bak 2 Az. Of course we took the offer, who doesnt love a new start?
We moved into a huge house. 5 bdrm 3 bthrm and my husband worked 5 mins away. life was going so good. 
 The hubby was making more money and we were living on top of the world. i made good friends with my neighbor Fawn, she had 6 kids and she made it look so easy. she was over all the time, or i was there. it was so nice 2 have company while my hubby was gone, and it was nice that r kids could play and keep eachother busy, although i have realized the more my kids r around other peoples kids, i REALLY like MY kids.

This year my Kayla turned 1
I found out i was prego with Nathan
this pic above, was @ my 1st baby shower in Cali for Nathan, i had ALOT of girl stuff, but i couldnt possibly put all that pink on him could i?! haha
this was r second shower that we had in new mexico, all this blue made it so surreal that it wasnt gonna b pink, purple, dresses and ruffles! what the heck was i gonna do with a BOY?!

Bryan got sent 2 work in Az, so i decided we'd all drive down there with him and take a trip bak 2 Cali. i dont get 2 spend much time with my family and with having kids it kills me, we were all so close growing up. i hate that they cant b apart of everything that goes on in my life. anyways lets get bak on track, while i was visiting in Cali., my dad ending up coming home with me. he was having a hard time being out in cali. and since i was so far away he could get away from all the craziness. ive always been a daddys girl so of course id do anything 2 take care of him.

Having my dad living with us was so awsome, for the longest time of my life my dad wasnt around, not by choice of course but 2 have him around now, made my world complete. my kayla was so attached 2 her "ba-ga", she didnt wanna have anything 2 do with me, she wanted him. they'd sit like the above pic, @ my table and listen 2 music, they had their own song they'd play all day long as kayla would sway bak and forth as "ba-ga" would sing 2 her.. Hank Williams- Im so lonesome i could cry. 2 this day she says thats her and her "ba-gas" song.
In October of 2008, we had r Nathan Keith, as grandpa stayed home with the girls
This year in August Emily turned 3, its so crazy how much and how fast they grow. this year was the 1st year she blew out her OWN candles :( 

In October r Nathan Keith was Born, as grandpa stayed home with the girls
daddy was so proud of his BOY
My Babies
Grandpas 1st time meeting his nener boy
u know being the 4th child in a family of 5 girls, and having 2 nieces 4rm my oldest sister Amy, 2 nieces from my 2nd sister Jennifer and having 2 girls of my own, the moment we found out i was having a boy, i was so excited, and so clueless all @ the same time haha. my main thought was OMG boys have neners, what the heck do u do with balls? how do u whipe um? honestly ALL OF US were soo clueless, it wasnt like i could call my mom, dad or sisters and ask 4 advice! when Nathan was born i had 2 learn it all myself and teach my sisters how 2 do it LOL

the moment we came home 4rm the hospital grandpa never put nathan down. Grandpa was so proud 2 have a boy in the family, and the fact that THIS was the 1st time my dad was around 2 meet 1 of my babies so soon after i had um, i was so excited 2. o and ps my dad gave Nathan the nickname Nener becuz of course he was the 1st NENER in the family.
 below is the pic of the day he came home, grandpa ripped him outta his carseat and hadda keep touching him and loving on him, and of course Kayla hadda b right there with grandpa <3
O my Nathan, u are so special 2 all of us
and in november we celebrated my dads 42nd bday, he was such a kid, asking all week long, "wheres my presents?" "is it my birthday yet?"
i loved this year,me and bry were doing great, although he was traveling 2 AZ alot. emily was getting older and getting 2 know her grandpa. the year of 1st with kayla, the 1st year in many i got 2 spend the holidays with my dad, and the 1st boy was born :)

Sunday, September 25, 2011


year 3, we had alot of r 1st, 1st Christmas with r new baby, 1st new year, 1st valentines day we got a new apt with 2 rooms, Emily had her own now, and not that she was mobile she would play in her room, crawl out 2 the living room check on me ad Bryan and go right bak into her room. she was thee perfect r new apt. we ACTUALLY had furniture and everything seemed 2 b going so good. we got a new car, paid cash for and then it was stolen and then Bryan gets a call from work that he needs 2 go 2 court in Cali (another DUI 4rm the past). so we used his moms car and drove 2 cali and they locked him up again, another month is what he gets! so i leave the apt here in az, i stayed @ my moms but it wasn't long b4 she asked me 2 leave, i went 2 my dads but he was staying with my gramma @ the time, she actually paid me 2 leave, then i went 2 my sister Amys house and everywhere i went i seemed 2 b an inconvenience on them. not only was i not gonna leave Bryan while he was there in Cali jail, i had Emily and had 2 take care of her 2, so i went and stayed with my aunt and uncle in riverside, they took awsome care of me and emily, we had r own room and bathroom and they didnt make me pay 4 anything. they were a godsent. i waited until bryan got out
and we flew home! when we landed in az it was like all was alright with the world again. we had r  own space again and we were once again a family. there was never a moment where i imagined just leaving him there in cali. i knew he needed me and i wasnt leaving till i knew he was gonna b beside me. i struggled and had an awful time during that month but i knew regardless of what i was going thru out there, he had it worse in there. 

          A month after daddy got home.....
we found out we were prego of baby #2! bryan was so excited about Kayla, (he wanted another baby more then i did) but i knew it was gonna b another girl, my dream had told me that :) during my pregnnancy with kayla we moved into r very 1st house, it was a gorgeous 3 bdrm house, huge back yard and tons of room for r growing family. we got r very 1st financed car (sounds funny) but it was a huge step 4 us.

in august we had Emilys 1st Birthday

 January 8 2007 our Kayla Dyann was born, Kayla from the dream i had years prior 2 her being born and Dyann 4 2 reasons, Bryans sister that has passed away her name was Stephanie Dianne and my aunt who took us in when Bryan was in jail, Diana. 

^^ THAT baby changed r world, our emily was so excited 2 have sum1 2 "play" with, although in reality all emma did was poke her and throw toys @ her :)
 (this was emma warning her she'd beat her up if she acted up) 
emma was always r calm sweet girl, and kayla was r cry'er she hated being alone, she hated being put down, she was kinda difficult. but when she started 2 get mobile, her and emily were unseperable. they r still the same way, where ever emma is kayla is right behind her.
My girls; they were so funny 2 watch, seeing them 2gether made me happy i had them so close. Bryan continued 2 work and travel alot 2 New Mexico, as i stayed @ home with the girls, being a stay @ home mom 2, 2 toddlers was fun, although i became lonely. i found cafemom and met sum women, becuz as u all know a mama needs other mamas 2 talk 2. thru cafemom i met my best friend Annice.
it was so awesome 2 have sum1 else 2 talk 2 and she had a son kinda Emma's  age so our kids would play while me and her sat around and bs'd :) gosh i look @ the picture above and it kinda makes me sad, i was still so young (just turned 20) and it feels like it was so long ago, alot has happened since then, and circumstances made me have 2 grow up/change. 
Our Emma turned 2 in august.
as some of u know once u have a kid, the years just fly by.