My nathan

2day I took a nap with nener in my bed, I've got my sister here with her 3 kids so every where else including his room was occupied. When I layed down with him he kinda smirked @ me, him being #3 has started 2 have his effect on him, he see's that mama spends a lot of time with emily (school stuff) and juju gets a lot of my time 2 cuz she's the baby. But kayla and nener kinda just get the shitty end of it all. Not on purpose but trust me I feel bad that I can't spend as much 1 on 1 with them.. I really do get emotional about this subject but I try 2 do what I can when I can with them 2.

Anyways bak 2 my story, when I layed down with nener I kinda cuddled with him and threw my other pillow over my head (like I always do) and I saw him do the same, I smiled and told him I loved him and he said I wuv u 2 mommie....

my big boy, how'd he get so darn huge? I think after writing about the year we had with my dad yesterday, it made me emotional 2 sit there and look @ my dads baby boy all grown up. I wonder what my dad would think of him now?

I started 2 fall asleep when he grabbed my hand and held it, I realized his hand is still so tiny, he IS still a teeny baby. Y don't I c that all the time? I layed there holding his hand and feeling like the worst mother in the world. He needs me 2! I'm not sayyin I neglect him and kayla but they don't get the attn they deserve, 4rm me or daddy . But with bryans hours lately I don't even get the attn I deserve!  How am I supposed 2 make up 4 the lack of daddy 2?

I fell asleep and my phone went off, I turned it off and looked over @ him sleeping, he still had the pillow over his face like me and was still holding my hand. I think in that moment the heartache of my dad missing everything about him all came bak....

My baby boy, 
how can I show u all the love I feel in my heart 4 u?, how can I give u all the love u need, when mama feels the lack of love (by my family) in her life?  I wanna change, I promise. I just don't know how, besides 2 b here 4 u when u get an owie, and rub ur head when ur sisters r being mean. Give u kisses when ur being funny and make sure ur always safe, fed and well rested? I know 1 day u will either understand or resent me 4 it, but just believe there was never a moment u and ur sisters weren't my 1st concern sweet boy.