Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My nathan

2day I took a nap with nener in my bed, I've got my sister here with her 3 kids so every where else including his room was occupied. When I layed down with him he kinda smirked @ me, him being #3 has started 2 have his effect on him, he see's that mama spends a lot of time with emily (school stuff) and juju gets a lot of my time 2 cuz she's the baby. But kayla and nener kinda just get the shitty end of it all. Not on purpose but trust me I feel bad that I can't spend as much 1 on 1 with them.. I really do get emotional about this subject but I try 2 do what I can when I can with them 2.

Anyways bak 2 my story, when I layed down with nener I kinda cuddled with him and threw my other pillow over my head (like I always do) and I saw him do the same, I smiled and told him I loved him and he said I wuv u 2 mommie....

my big boy, how'd he get so darn huge? I think after writing about the year we had with my dad yesterday, it made me emotional 2 sit there and look @ my dads baby boy all grown up. I wonder what my dad would think of him now?

I started 2 fall asleep when he grabbed my hand and held it, I realized his hand is still so tiny, he IS still a teeny baby. Y don't I c that all the time? I layed there holding his hand and feeling like the worst mother in the world. He needs me 2! I'm not sayyin I neglect him and kayla but they don't get the attn they deserve, 4rm me or daddy . But with bryans hours lately I don't even get the attn I deserve!  How am I supposed 2 make up 4 the lack of daddy 2?

I fell asleep and my phone went off, I turned it off and looked over @ him sleeping, he still had the pillow over his face like me and was still holding my hand. I think in that moment the heartache of my dad missing everything about him all came bak....

My baby boy, 
how can I show u all the love I feel in my heart 4 u?, how can I give u all the love u need, when mama feels the lack of love (by my family) in her life?  I wanna change, I promise. I just don't know how, besides 2 b here 4 u when u get an owie, and rub ur head when ur sisters r being mean. Give u kisses when ur being funny and make sure ur always safe, fed and well rested? I know 1 day u will either understand or resent me 4 it, but just believe there was never a moment u and ur sisters weren't my 1st concern sweet boy.

1 comment:

  1. I imagine it would be tough to give each child a lot of attention. I would be spread thin too! I think as long as you have moments like that and you never feel like you are over using the word "I love you" can't ya know...he will be sure to feel how much you really do. When I have more I want to be sure to have days where I spend one on one time with just that one babe...and then switch off. Sometimes families get busy and that is life...just be sure to enjoy those little a small hand holding yours during a nap♥