Monday, September 26, 2011


This year kinda makes me sick 2 my stomach, by the end of it u will understand.

The begining started great, we spent new years with my 3 babies, my hubby and my dad. we went 2 the Route 66 casino resort in New Mexico and had a blast
that was grandpas sippy keg haha
Kayla also turned 2 in January
February we celebrated Valentines Day, we all went out 2 dinner, and i bought every1 their v-day gifts, it was alot of fun.
March and April my dad was in and out of the hospital, i almost lost him 2 times in those months. me and him had discussed what he wanted and what kind of music 2 play 4 his funeral, well actully he told me 2 cremate him and throw him in the desert or down the toilet 4 all he cared, he didnt want ppl 2 pretend they cared, when they didnt show it when he was here. my dad would call kayla everyday and sing "im so lonesome, i could cry" 2 her, 2 her it made her giggle and sway bak and forth, 2 me it broke my heart cuz he really was lonely without them
when i was going 2 the hospital 2 pick him up and bring him home becuz the dox said he was ok, he just needed 2 b on an oxygen machine. he hated the idea of that being it, but he knew how 2 pretend well.
In April we celebrated Easter
In May my dad was gonna go spend some time in cali, so he made sure we got some pix of him and the kids right b4 he left.

In june/july after my dad had left, everything went downhill. the IRS put a levy on r wages, my hubby didnt pay his taxes prior 2 us getting married and claimed exempt just so we can make it, we never thought it would come bak and get us, we only did it 4 a lil while in the begining of r marriage. we were ONLY allowed $129 a check which equaled $520 a month. as some of u know $520 a month wasnt going 2 pay r rent, and r cars. we lost r pt cruiser, r tahoe and my dad told us 2 sell his bike. everything was unraveling b4 r eyes, everything we worked so hard 2 get in the last 2 years was all being taken from us. if it wasnt 4 payday loans and welfare we would have never been able 2 keep r house. and if it wasnt 4 my friend/neighbor Fawn, we would have went without electricity, and water. not 2 mention with everything we were losing me and my husband couldnt seem 2 get along, of course all the stress of it all was making us crash 2. i couldnt do it anymore, i didnt feel mentally strong enough 2 go thru anymore crap, i was done, id been thru way 2 much in r 4 years of marriage.

In August some1 i had considered such a good friend, told my husband sumthing that wasnt true, but he believed it and @ that moment i really believed THIS was it, we had been thru so much and lies were gonna b the end of us. i called my dad crying and he told me "u better make it better because you'd b stupid 2 lose that man chubba". i remeber bryan leaving after arguing with me and thats when i called my dad but then he came bak and he told me "regardless of what happened his heart belonged 2 me, and there wouldnt b anything that could ever break us up."  i hated that he said "regardless" which ultimately made it feel like he didnt believe me, but who could blame him right, we were going thru so much crap already.

August 16 2009
2 days later me and bry were so in love again we were determined 2 make it work, because honestly we'd come so far and been thru so much, what would we b teaching r kids if we walked away? we turned off r phones and said we'd stay away from every1 if just 4 that weekend we were gonna make it about us. well i went 2 our room 2 check my "myspace" and i had like 5 messages of every1 telling me 2 call jens house, i figured it was an emergengy so i grabbed my phone and i called, i could hear it in her voice that something was wrong, and she said " daddys dead"  and i told her "wait?! what?! and she said "he went 2 bed last nite and didnt wake up 2day" i remember walking downstairs in a daze with her still talking 2 me and i opened the bak door and fell 2 the floor screaming 2 bryan "hes dead, hes dead" and bryan came and held me and grabbed the phone 4rm me 2 find out what happened. all i remember was crying and all the pain and heart ache i felt. i walked into his room and sat on his bed and grabbed 1 of his dirty clothes that still smelt like him, and cried. i didnt wanna believe it, there was no way god could have taken MY daddy. i know he was in pain, i know he wasnt happy without my mom, i knew he came 2 the end of his line with the pain and the suffering and he felt like we were all gonna b ok, but it still wasnt fair, it still wasnt rite! there wasnt a way i cold go on, i didnt wanna live anymore, if he couldnt b apat of my life i just couldnt do it. thank god 4 bryan becuz i wouldnt have gotten thru it. i dont remember how the kids got taken care of, i dont remember anything but that black whole i was in. id cry myself 2 sleep and every single time i saw nener id break that much worse, he was daddys baby. and kayla would listen 2 there song and even till this day i cant handle listening 2 it becuz i know she misses him 2, the only person who ever just adored her like that. and when emma would ask if ba-ga was coming home, id turn away. i dont know how i made it past that time, i closed every1 out, because it felt like no1 could understand the pain..

We all went out 2 Cali 2 decide what 2 do with the body, i refused 2 c him like that, he wanted 2 b cremated and i was gonna fight that till the end. his family was making it so hard for us 2 do anything, they didnt want him cremated, they wanted an open casket, they were so mad @ us that we did it. but because he wasnt married we were his next of kin. we all had such an awful time trying 2 do anything. we were all so in shock.

August 24 2009 we said good-bye 2 r daddy
that was the hardest and worst thing ive ever had 2 do in my life, how do u say goodbye 2 sum1 u dont wanna say good-bye 2? how is it that life is just supposed 2 go on without him? regardless of how i felt and how broken i was i had 2 continue 2 live for my babies, they needed me the most....rite?!
Shortly after Emma turned  4

and nathan turned 1
celebrating anything made me feel like i wasnt mourning my dad. i put on a happy face but i was broken, i was so horribly sad. the thought of having my dads room right down the hall 4rm me that he'd never b in again, that he was never coming home again, that tore me apart, i had 2 get outta that house!
So Bryan moved us bak 2 AZ and we had 2 start all over again, his job wasnt 2 happy about him moving bak down 2 AZ so they made him travel bak 2 New Mexico, i seriously lived without my husband 4 a year and a half, we only saw him on the weekend on 4 him 2 leave again on sunday. i feel like i dealt with the worse year of my life alone

November my sisters (except punky) and mom came out 2 spend thanksgiving with us in AZ
    New Years  
This year was ALOT of trials and tribulations, but in the end we were still 2gether and stronger then ever now. during this year we loved, we lost and we loved again. we celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and r babies getting so big, and the worst thing ever was losing my daddy but i lived......well kinda


  1. Awww, sweet girl. I know it's so hard…. but you are a strong woman! There really isn't anything we can do but remember the good times and build up those great memories for our own babies to remember one day ya know? I feel like I can't look at it any other way than he is at peace…and much like your dad, I know mine wasn't happy here and he was ready to go. So, we can just be happy for them that they are free!! Every one of these I read I grow to like you more and respect you more…

  2. Aww annie ty! My life hasn't always been easy, but sum how I've always kept it 2gether. Even when I wanted 2 crawl into a corner and shut the world out. My dad was miserable being alive, he had been thru so much in life that he was done. He was a cat with 9 lives and lived thru a lot of it, so 4 him 2 go the way he did was. His prayer answered. I'm kinda ok now, as u will c, the hurt and longing will b there but sumhow we go on. When I write all the things me and my hubby have been thru, it reminds me of how dumb r fights r now. I suppose bloggin is really helping me lol

  3. My heart aches to even think of losing someone I a parent. I don't know how I would cope. Thank God that he gives us children to take our minds off bad things, would any of us make it through? Same here, everytime I read one of your blogs, I feel a sense of humanity and honesty in them.