Holiday Emotions

it feels like the closer Christmas gets here the more im starting 2 feel crappy...

i remember when i was growing up, how my dad was always such a grump when the holidays were coming around and i remember my parents ALWAYS fighting and ruining the holidays..i never want 2 b like them (i thought)

but here i am, down in the dumps, i feel like the Grinch! (i think) y is every1 so excited, i don't get it...i just want it 2 hurry up and b over with, so we can start saving $ again, and O boy, (sarcastic) more toys for the kids 2 fight over and break!

ok so let me b honest, I'm pissed off @ my family @ the moment, i don't understand y they choose 2 keep their distance from me, me and my sister Jen used 2 talk all the time, i mean every single day for hours @ a time, and now its a text message here and there, just when she needs 2 blow up really fast about her husband or something in her life.. and Amy used 2 b my favorite sister when i was younger, shes the reason i am with my Bryan, i spent every weekend with her and now she doesn't care 2 call OR TEXT me, EVER! i get random calls from her once in a looooong while, her drunk and complaining about her life, then i don't hear from her for a long time after that. and punky, shes so in her own world, its like none of us exists, i try 2 make an effort with her, but she never makes 1 back, I'm tired of being the one who tries, and then my feelings get hurt, and 4 what?!

every since my dad died, its like no1 cares about our family anymore, its so weird, and i miss them A LOT! its just not fair! and the more i think about it the more i get mad about it. 

OK and so I've written, about my mother in law, and how i don't like the women, but she HAS always been there when i needed her, more then my own mother has, and shes always there 2 help us if we need it. and every Christmas, a couple days b4 Christmas,  we go out 4 a cpl drinks after Christmas shopping, lots of fun and my kids get cool gifts cuz i always pick them :) but this year she calls 2 tell me, that we wont in fact be doing it this year because shes gonna b doing something with Byran's stupid sister Donna, i guarantee Donna made it so me and Theresa could not make our date, me and Donna have this "thing" where we don't like MOM hanging out with the other 1, and o man do i wish i had a normal sister in law, i WANT the hanging out, shopping, holiday cooking sister in law, but all i ended up with was a stupid, pathetic story 4 a person, i mean seriously she gets on my nerves, and i HATE the thought of being near her. i speak my mind and 4 Bryan's sake i keep my mouth shut when it comes 2 her, verrrry hard 2 do but i force myself 2 do it! UGH but anyways the whole thing just pisses me off that much more, i wanted 2 go shopping with mom...and now I've got no family and stupid holdays, trust me i force myself 2 decorate, i force myself 2 do Christmas things with the kids cuz its not there fault mommy's feeling like crap. 

i kinda get it now, i get y my dad hated the holidays..isn't it amazing how u learn things the older u get..or how u understand things you never thought ud EVER understand...if i could go back 2 the stupid kid i was and know everything i know now, life would have been sooo different. i love  my husband and kids, but LIFE could have been so different..

ba-hum-bug!